I’ve been cooking this post up in my head for days and I know it’s going to be personal, but here goes.
Something you need to know about me first off is outwardly, I am a confident person. What I believe people see of me is someone with a good level of body confidence, a passable sense of fashion, at times a good wit and a forthcoming and funny conversationalist. I don’t know if that IS exactly how other people see me, but that is an exterior which I have cultivated very carefully and how I hope people see me. When in reality, at times, it feels more like the shell of a hollow bunny. A strong nibble at my ears or cheek and you could break through it, throw it at a wall hard enough and the whole thing could crumble.
The point of sharing this is that I know that most of us wear a polished to perfection moulded shiny chocolate exterior, and our insides are usually a lot more complicated, battling and scared than we let on.
My battle with my personal confidence often feels I’m in a wooden row boat out at sea. Invariably the row boat isn’t built strong enough to handle such rough seas and is leaking. I am constantly bailing out water to stay afloat, sometimes I feel like I can just about make it, sometimes I feel like I could sink at any moment. But I am constantly bailing, never able to rest because the moment I do the water comes pouring in.
In realistic terms, this adds up to I am always talking to myself about how I feel about… well myself! I’ve explained this before as saying that I have to give myself regular pep talks. Like, it’s okay if you’re feel less than confident about yourself today, it happens to everybody. Or, It’s okay if you’re not feeling exactly friendly today, people have bad days. Essentially it boils down to telling myself that I don’t have to always wear that polished shiny exterior, I’m human and faulty just like every one around me.
You can see how this could get exhausting. My natural inclination when I am feeling low is not to work harder, it’s to dig my head under the duvet and watch crappy TV or read books until I completely forget who I am and can live quite happily in a daze of unreality for long periods of time. But I know this isn’t healthy, so this becomes another one of those things I have to pep talk myself out of, and then I’m pooped again. It’s cyclical.
I have this book, the Artists Way, which I’ve mentioned here before. I still stand by that I believe this helps people, a friend of mine has completed it and loved it, they really felt like it clarified a lot for them. My copy, however is dog-eared about 4 chapters (equates to 4 weeks) in and hasn’t been touched in about a year. This is something that I could pick up and actively do! Actively do to take a stand in my self-esteem battle. I haven’t yet because I’m defeatist and the first thing I wrote here is I hope I will one day. Instead, I’m going to change that to. I WILL DO IT.
I’d like to open up conversation with this because I really really don’t know how to solve a problem like Self Esteem. Sometimes I think I’ve cracked it, then I’m knocked a bit and it becomes a lot harder, I give up for a while, wallow, get sick of wallowing then work for a bit until I’m knocked again. I want to know more about other peoples inner battles, how other people find their balance. If there is one thing I’ve learned over this last year is that it doesn’t need to be perfect, it’s just needs to be good and it needs to fit. That is all I am looking for.
So, tell me; How do You solve a problem like Self Esteem? Comment Below.