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How can I put this into Words? | Sharing your Depression with someone you Love.

I finished my last post with a plea to family and friends of any one who is suffering with depression, here it is again:

I think the worst though, the absolute worst is when your family will not support you. This I just don’t get. I would ask any Partner, Brother, Father and Mother – if you found out that a member of your family was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer would you simply stop talking to them? Would you tell them they were being over-dramatic?  As a friend, if you were approached to just be understanding of how someone felt following a major surgery, would you tell them you just don’t feel able to help because you’ve never had major surgery and really don’t understand how they feel? I would hope not

I almost want to finish this post here because I hope that that would be enough to put the feelings of a sufferer into perspective, they are sick, they know they are sick, but many will not tell their friends or family, will not ask for help because they feel they just won’t get it.

I wish I could say that being there for a loved one when they are going through Depression is easy, you are carried by your Love for them and never ever have fear, doubt or frustration during the process. That is obviously flowery love bull crap. It’s hard, you doubt, you have fear, you are frustrated, but the best of us stick by and fight alongside this loved one because you do love them.

All of my posts so far have had “I’ve been lucky”, or “I was lucky because,” or “I’m so lucky to have …”, well I am. Not lucky to be one of so many inclined to depression, but lucky in that I am surrounded by the most loving, understanding and caring group of people that I could ever ask for. For the good, I have my own experience to draw from.

I am so lucky to have my partner. Alex has been (prepare to gag), my cornerstone, my resting place, my rock, my sanity and so many times my sounding board when the roiling thoughts in my head just needed to get out.  I know he won’t mind me saying though, that he didn’t necessarily start out this way, because neither of us had any idea how to start dealing with my depression.

First step is to talk, even this can be an incredibly difficult, no matter how good you are at opening up to your partner, no matter how close you are, this is that next step to admission, admit it to yourself, admit it to those closest to you. The problem is, how do you say it?Somehow “I’m sad” doesn’t do it justice, if you start ranting and raving about how shitty you feel, either your partner could end up feeling attacked, like something is wrong with them, that must be the reason you are ranting and raving like this! Or, if you start talking after you have already gone to the Dr, gone to a Therapist/Psychiatrist/Counsellor, your partner could wonder why you couldn’t trust them with the admission sooner. This can be a mine field of hurt feelings, misunderstandings, miscommunication and fear.  You do need to tread lightly, which is much easier said then done. There are quite a few potential issues here, a) really, you’re not quite in your right mind, sensitivity and compassion may not be your strongest points at the moment, b) your partner could react badly no matter how you put it, your emotional state then could be further fuel on that fire and c) typically your fuse is a lot shorter when you are depressed, if your partner doesn’t react how you imagined they would, KABOOM! An explosion could ensue and that is not good news for anyone!

My advice, only some of which I followed with Alex, but in hindsight have learned; prepare for the conversation, have a strong idea of how you want to word what you have to say. I would start by asking that your partner allow you to finish what you have to say before asking any questions. I would have some print outs or websites open that detail the symptoms of Depression to help put your symptoms into perspective, and most importantly, be 100% honest. If you feel like aspects of your relationship could be a trigger point, then you need to tell your partner. If your trigger is something else and you haven’t told them up until this point, perhaps you should try to tell them now. This will not be easy, no matter what the cause, the background or how understanding your partner is, someone you love telling you that they are incredibly unhappy is fucking scary! You should also be prepared to answer any question they have, don’t be surprised if some of them are irrational, such as: is there someone else? Have I made you unhappy, etc.  You should keep reminding them that it is in no way related to them, or if it is, how you would like to fix it and that you love them very much.

As I said, I didn’t prepare to tell Alex, and I wasn’t prepared for his reaction because I was unable to be sympathetic to his emotions when it came to my illness. I had just returned from my final EAP counselling session, (the one in which my counsellor told me I needed further help). Alex asked me how it went when I got home and I blurted out, ” I’m depressed, I need to take time off work and see a counsellor and fix this.”  I can hardly blame him for how he reacted.  Alex and I are your typical 20-somethings living in an over-priced city, working our butts off to try to make ends meet, so of course his first reaction was, “Take time off work? We couldn’t afford it if you lost your job.” My reaction to that was to burst into a flood of tears because how could THAT be a priority right now.

You can see how being prepared to have this conversation, thinking ahead of how to say it, and being aware of what may concern your partner will absolutely be beneficial to all involved.

I don’t think Alex was prepared for the floodgate that ensued, the shock and guilt I read on his face reminded me that he wouldn’t, ever, intend to hurt me like that. This reminded me that I needed to give him more information, he needed to be taught what being depressed was about, and that was in no way his fault. It was at this point that I started searching the web for further information on Depression, I gave him a few links and asked him to spend some time looking at them, and that we would talk further. As Alex could now come from a view-point of understanding rather than confusion and fear, he was much better able to listen to what was hurting me, what the symptoms were (Psychological and Physical) and support any thoughts I had on the next steps, and offer a few of his own.

While going through Depression with your partner is difficult, I have struggled even more with friends, I will admit that I wasn’t there for a friend who herself had Depression, I had no idea how.

When you or your partner is going through Depression, you are there with them, day-to-day, dealing with the emotions, the confusions. You typically have opportunities to talk, or just to be there and to hold the other and make them feel like everything is okay, just so long as you are cuddling. However, with friends it is easy to continue on in your life without thinking about what a friend is going through constantly. Furthermore, every one is different with what they need, each stage of depression requires a different approach, if you don’t see each other every day it’s tricky to understand what they need at that time. This is a difficult one, and I don’t think I’m best placed to give advice on how to deal with friendship, but I can share my experiences.

At the beginning of my depression I was in my avoidance phase, if I wasn’t in the right frame of mind I didn’t want to talk about it.  If anybody asked how I was doing at this time I was doing fine, that was it, don’t want to talk about it, how are you? Move on. I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want help, I didn’t want comfort, I just wanted to know they were there, like before to have wine and a laugh with. I had to learn that these are the people who know you best, talk to them, tell them what is going on. Going to a counsellor is great for the third-party unassociated point of view, however your friends can have insights into you, your history, your personality and the best of friends can be your own Portrait of Dorian Grey that you need to see.

From that point onwards I just needed to know that they were there, whether I needed a laugh, a cry, a hug or a beer … or seven. For me, that was plenty. I’m often telling friends who have other friends with Depression that you cannot constantly ask how they are, how they’re feeling or give suggestions on how to feel better, constantly try to be chirpy because you think it will help – it doesn’t, it just pisses us off.

All of the above is from my personal point of view and I think it is important that if your friend tells you they are suffering from Depression you should ask them just to tell you what they need from you and you will be there.  These communication lines are incredibly important. As I said above a friend of mine suffered from Depression, we didn’t have these communication lines open, I got so caught up in my life I forgot how it felt to feel so alone in Depression,  I didn’t ask what she needed from me, I didn’t forgive her turbulent moods nor did I make myself available, just when she really needed me.

My lessons from this comes down to open communication. You cannot get through any relationship without communication, but it is even more important when the people around you need to understand what you need at any given time. Be honest and don’t be afraid to talk, remember that not every body understands, not through any fault of their own, but because Depression is difficult to understand.

Communication. Understanding. Patience.

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4 thoughts on “How can I put this into Words? | Sharing your Depression with someone you Love.

  1. Thank you for this article. Lately I feel like I have been constantly trying to explain to people (mainly my parents and boyfriend) how I feel. But I am running out ideas and energy to try and attempt helping them see what depression is like. Sometimes it seems like too much effort and I’m not sure if I even care anymore if they “get it”. I don’t want to lose the people I love tho! it’s hard to communicate when you’re already depressed, and when I try I feel like I don’t get anywhere. Any advice? ):

    • Beata Amanda says:

      Hi! I’ve just read through your blog and I can see you are certainly having a hard time. Maybe sit down with them individually, go out to coffee or dinner or a glass of wine and ask them to speak to you about what they don’t understand. It may be that they are doing their best but are finding it hard to handle your situation, in which case what would help them? I know how hard it is to be compassionate to their situation when you’re feeling as bad as you are, but if they are in a better place to help you then you are more likely to feel supported and loved.
      Further to that, regarding your post about Antidepressants and therapy, have a look at my latest post, I think we have to be reminded that he do have to WANT to get better, be open to the suggestions from your Therapist, it’s scary but they are trying to come up with something that will help. I came off Prozac for the very same reason as you, I had terrible sleep patterns, lose of appetite and freaky freaky ass dreams! I tried Cipralex which I’m still on and once I settled into it, which took about 3 weeks, I found it much much better. Might be worth speaking about it with your GP.
      I’m sorry if this overstepped the mark – the very reason I started posting about my experiences was to help myself and to help others. I’ve been depressed before and I probably will again, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to heal over the last 6 months . I hope it helps – please feel free to message me directly whenever you need to talk or need more help.

      • Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my comment and read my blog. It means a lot. Your reply has me on the verge of tears… knowing that someone understands and has experienced the same things is somehow very helpful. I will definitely take all of your suggestions to heart.
        Thank you again!

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